When things work, down to the last fraction of a millimetre; when I don’t wish I had just angled something a little bit this way or made a space a little thinner; when the colours and tones are exactly what I want: when the balance between calm and agitation is spot on; and all that stuff: then I can say “Oh yes!” And that is particularly important on days like today when I’m questioning value and worth: when my confidence is shaky and the black dog of depression is constantly nagging at my sleeve. I just hope that I am not delusional as well as depressed!
Well Captain Beefheart gets a mention as I have been playing my Christmas present box set quite a bit. I have been struggling today and really found it difficult to do anything: energy levels at a low. Too much alcohol and a broken night don’t help me to deal with the black dog. So I am having a quiet night off now,
It took a long time, but the piece is great today. Don’t think for a moment that because I am suffering from depression at present that today’s piece is gloomy or dark. In fact it is full of slightly self-deprecating humour and is very nicely composed and has visual allusions to earlier developments in this project.
Yesterday’s hurried headline has me in a fix. I said it was a song lyric but I can’t think of anything with those words. I can only imagine that I subconsciously altered the words of Cat Stevens’s “How Can I Tell You?” to a negative. Who knows?
I’m not having a good day, struggling with the black dog, and I thought I could cut corners, save time and do any old rubbish. But, of course, I cannot. There may be a question about the quality or value of my work from and aesthetic standpoint but, I find, never from a moral one! Even after I had resigned myself to doing it properly I started bemoaning my choice of materials: “that will take longer”, “I wish I hadn’t chosen that”, “I have to take care now I’ve done that! and so on. But you know it was worth the effort. It would never have worked without doing it right and it would only have made me feel more depressed. And I got a moody picture too. As much as I love the London slang “moody” I don’t mean that. Nor is it in a bad temper. I just mean it’s a moody photo. Mind you it’s not so easy to read the bit about Schrödinger’s cat!
When I say I am on a roll I am surprising myself: I am really quite excited about what I am doing at the moment and already have plans for tomorrow, but I am frustrated that I can’t at present develop the ideas into my general work. In fact I am not really able to do any other work at present as I have been prepping for my #Collage365 show at Bridport Arts Centre (hanging tomorrow) and am trying to get sorted at the studio so I can have some spin-off viewings there too. I am feeling a bit stressed and my black dog of depression has been poking its nose in for a few weeks. So, thankfully, I am on a roll with #Letter365 and, thankfully, I am just about holding it all together for the show and stuff but that is hardly “on a roll” and as for the rest, well I’m wading in mud in wellies again!