When things work, down to the last fraction of a millimetre; when I don’t wish I had just angled something a little bit this way or made a space a little thinner; when the colours and tones are exactly what I want: when the balance between calm and agitation is spot on; and all that stuff: then I can say “Oh yes!” And that is particularly important on days like today when I’m questioning value and worth: when my confidence is shaky and the black dog of depression is constantly nagging at my sleeve. I just hope that I am not delusional as well as depressed!
Well Captain Beefheart gets a mention as I have been playing my Christmas present box set quite a bit. I have been struggling today and really found it difficult to do anything: energy levels at a low. Too much alcohol and a broken night don’t help me to deal with the black dog. So I am having a quiet night off now,
It took a long time, but the piece is great today. Don’t think for a moment that because I am suffering from depression at present that today’s piece is gloomy or dark. In fact it is full of slightly self-deprecating humour and is very nicely composed and has visual allusions to earlier developments in this project.
Yesterday’s hurried headline has me in a fix. I said it was a song lyric but I can’t think of anything with those words. I can only imagine that I subconsciously altered the words of Cat Stevens’s “How Can I Tell You?” to a negative. Who knows?
I’m not having a good day, struggling with the black dog, and I thought I could cut corners, save time and do any old rubbish. But, of course, I cannot. There may be a question about the quality or value of my work from and aesthetic standpoint but, I find, never from a moral one! Even after I had resigned myself to doing it properly I started bemoaning my choice of materials: “that will take longer”, “I wish I hadn’t chosen that”, “I have to take care now I’ve done that! and so on. But you know it was worth the effort. It would never have worked without doing it right and it would only have made me feel more depressed. And I got a moody picture too. As much as I love the London slang “moody” I don’t mean that. Nor is it in a bad temper. I just mean it’s a moody photo. Mind you it’s not so easy to read the bit about Schrödinger’s cat!
I have been in a really low mood today. I do suffer from depression and have been pleased that despite the death of our cat and feeling unwell and a number of other stresses, I have not been attacked by the black dog for quite a while. But this cold/cough/sore throat/flu/sinus/toothache bug or bugs that have been bugging me for weeks had ground me down. I am just so weary at a time when I have lots I want to do and this had made me frustrated. A number of things I try to avoid have got in over the last day or two as well. So all in all it is no surprise that I am down today. Whilst it is a pretty low mood, I do not feel that the black dog has come to stay. He has been sniffing around for a few days and has nudged open the door today to see if he can come to play, but I think I am just physically exhausted and I’m feeling just ordinary low rather than starting to be invaded and inhabited by the alien being of depression.
Anyway, my state meant that I have found it difficult to do much today. I had some correspondence to catch up on, one item of which was in the “usually avoid” territory so was not helpful. The rest was pleasant enough or necessary but I still found it took ages for me to do even after using up all my avoidance strategies! So the day went by without getting to the studio and I ended up really not having the energy or interest to go to the studio this evening. Instead I lit a fire in the Pig Barn (my old studio in the garden) and did something completely different; something I have not done previously in this project; a totally different approach to making images and even though tempted to stick in a bit of tried-and-tested technique I resisted and stayed with the vision and am pleased I did.